Yesterday I performed a very painful, yet necessary exorcism/amputation.
WARNING. This is an extremely emotional post. Over-sharing? possibly. But necessary to get that “bad gunky” out. (Thank you Stephen King).
“what happens to a dream that dies? Does it whither like a raisin in the sun?”
I had to do it all by myself, which was necessary for my forward progress. I can’t say I wanted it that way. But as my dear M.W. is fond of saying, “it is what it is.”. So true.
You see, two years ago I met a man. He changed my life. He sent me on the adventure of a lifetime. I traveled the world with him, and had every intention of being his forever, as long as that was. He had other plans. As it is, he left me back in the same place, with the dream in shambles. And having been promised a shiny, shiny thing, that turned out to be a shabby, rotten thing, I fell apart. In the meantime, he destroyed my confidence and sense of self-worth that I had worked so hard to build up. In essence, he destroyed me. ME, the intrepid bookslinger/bike-monkey/superhero girl. I bought into something that was beautiful, but it was all a dream. (As in Fiction.) Make no mistake about it, I went into it with my eyes open. I just didn’t know that underneath all that promise of being a proud member of the ex-pat crew, and being a world-traveler was this rotten, self-serving heart.
So, I found myself back in OK, the home of my birth, having missed it so hard through so many trials. I did not know how I missed it so. Until I left it for places unknown. A horizon you can see forever. It’s quiet. And the people are just so god-damn nice. Do not get me wrong. I have absolutely no regrets. My mettle has been tested, and I am as tough as they come. I have a wicked-sharp blade, and a heart that’s been beaten and come back, again and again. I try to be the bigger person. And the universe seems to want to reward me for that. It sent me K. I believe in karma. And apparently, karma believes in me.
In the height of my despair, and the height of my need, the universe sent me this wonderful man. Knowing that perhaps I had earned it.We reconnected at a point where we both needed something substantial. Something you can build on.
So, yesterday, I decided to go through all my stuff from China. All this forgotten beauty and magic that has been my life. It was painful. Strike that, it was awful. And what did K do? Stick by me. The whole time. Entertaining the whole ordeal.
There is too long a list to entertain the idea of why I love this boy. But number one is: he puts up with my baggage. He went through it with me and he still didn’t run away.
He plays me the Beach Boys when I feel sad. (That’s a close number 2)
Number one on the list is, HE IS KIND. He is a decent person. And he tells the truth.
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
© Max Ehrmann 1927